I've spent my recent days on autopilot. (mouseover-replace: "on autopilot") [doing nothing and feeling [[nothing]], without a thought in the world] (click-append:" world") [. Just as the sun rises in the morning without anyone having to tell it to. Just like when the moon is ready to [[light]] the night]
I don't even remember the last time I was happy. (click-append: "happy") [ for more than a few minutes] (click-append:"minutes")[, or even a few days] (click-append:"days")[. Its actually been a couple of [[months]]]My mind is clouded with darkness. I [[hope]] that someday, the light bulb is sparked and I am able to see. But sometimes, the clouds are as dark as [[melanite->December]] and I [[doubt]] they will ever clear. Today, I was walking to class. (click-append:"class")[, just like any other day]
I sluggishly pass through the sea of people and I overhear a girl reciting lines from a book to her friend. I remember her reciting the lines with so much passion, of something that I want so much. (mouseover-replace: "of something that I want so much")[ saying, "Your world is a lamp to my foot and a light for my path"]
That sounds like a [[dream]].
September 6, 2022
//Dear diary,
My mom keeps saying [[pray]] about it. What’s the point? Doesn’t feel like anyone is listening, you can’t just pray your problems away. If God was really listening and watching it, wouldn’t he just fix it.// Everything is falling apart! Im so upset, stressed, and discouraged.(live:2s)[ [[January]]]
(live:4s)[February]
(live:6s)[March]
(live:8s)[April]
(live:10s)[May]
(live:11s)[ [[June]] ]
(live:12s)[July]
(live:13s)[August]
(live:14s) [ [[September->doubt]]]
(live:15s)[October]
(live:16s)[November]
(live:17s) [ [[December]]]//Dear Diary,
I am not okay. I feel misunderstood. I feel regretful. I hate to admit it but i feel bitter, slightly envious, and jealous towards all my friends. It seem like everything is going good for them. But I feel damaged. I feel broken. I feel angry. Nothing matters at all.////Dear Diary,
I feel very lost. Time and time reveals how broken and weak I actually am. I thought keeping myself busy would help, but all that does is temporarily fill my cracks. I really need to get myself together. Something needs to stick. //
But she prayed with me, anyway.
//Father God, Sometimes we face hard situations, but I know that regardless of our circumstances, You are good. Thank You for loving us so much that You want to go through challenges with us. I pray that you continue to [[light->Bible]] our path and lighten our load. I love you, Jehovah. In Jesus' name, Amen.//
//Dear Diary,
I don’t know why I try anymore. Everything in the world is gone bad.
Even the small and isolated world that I call my own is starting to crumble->stressed.
I don’t believe in anything anymore. //
Oh, how in love do you have to be to write something like that about someone.
I wonder about the things a person has to do to make me feel that way. I cant help but crave for someone to be that light for me.
I moved closer to sneak a glance at the title of the book. Maybe if read the book, I can see why sh'es so passionate. Maybe I can temporarily escape my darkness. I can put myself in the authors shoes, and I imagine actually having someone to light my path.
To my surprise, she wasn’t reciting poetry or reading a romantic novel. She was reading the [[Bible]].
//Your word is a lamp to my foot, And a light for my path.
- Psalm 119:105//